RainyDayKelli

I has a sad.

Father’s Day is a rough one for me.  My dad died the day after Father’s day, 10 years ago this year.  It seems like only yesterday, and I still miss him so much, every day.  His last Father’s Day, he had been in the hospital for nine months, after countless surgeries and a heart transplant, and was in septic shock for the third time.  He didn’t know who I was but for a moment, when he took my face in his hand and told me to leave, because he couldn’t stand for me to see him that way.  He was gone less than 12 hours later. 

I’ll never forget that day, never forget how much he loved me, even in the midst of delirium.  I’ll never forget my dad.  The coolest, nerdiest, computer geekiest, Star Trek loving, awesome music listening-to Dad in the world.  I miss you.  

Jill just walked out in last years summer clothes. It’s the first day she had a need. Everything is either way too short or way too tight. She grew without my even noticing. She’ll be fourteen next month; where did my little girl go?

It’s Monday? Huh. Who knew?

Introduced the kids to the Bad News Bears. Walter Mathau is perfect in it. Jill and Aubrey liked it way more than I had hoped. Although explaining all the long hair and men in v-necks was a little awkward.

As someone who has carried a planner for the last 20 years, I bought a Filofax a couple of years ago because of the quality. They’re nice. But it hasn’t always been a Filofax. Sometimes it’s another brand, sometimes cutesy little Hello Kitty planners, sometimes Moleskine planners. You get the picture.
I have always decorated my pages. Stickers, movie tickets, magazine clippings, pictures.
I document everything. My moods, jotting down little notes about my day, keeping track of my period, spending, even sex.
I’m not a creative, artsy person, but something about planners brings it out on me. It’s like I’m baring my happy, colorful little soul on to paper.

A few months ago I realized that there is an entire community of planner lovers out there. They decorate their pages like I do. They run through Staples like a stationery maniac like I do.

The more I see their pictures, watch their videos, see them all buying their stationery at the same places as everyone else; the more I find myself withdrawing from it. Their organizers are starting to all look the same. I feel like a poseur. I’ve been doing this since I was 14 years old, when I got my first organizer at a Target in Southern California; and for the first time I feel like I want to hide it from the world.

So I’m jumping out of the YouTube/Instagram world of Filofax addicts. If I post any pictures, it’ll be here on Tumblr, untagged and just for you all whackadoos that I don’t know, but love any way.

This has been a rambling thoughts and feelings post about something that isn’t really important in the grabd scheme of things, but is important to me. Important to my happiness. An important way to get all of the inner turmoil out onto paper and make it pretty and happy for myself.

I love the way Dean shouts Sam’s name. It’s such a sexy tone. So, masculine and just hot.